Would you still choose, me?

I'm in need of some space, some place to breathe. If there's plenty of air around, how come I'm still choking in here?

The more I look at myself, the uglier I get. It's like watching your own heart disintegrate. And I told God that I really didn't want to live like that. And I really don't. It's choking me so bad, my growth that was thought to be delayed has now come to a halt. And I'm not satisfied, not satisfied at all. In fact, I'm frustrated and clueless about what can be done.

Meeting up with my Megalife Area leaders really brought back plenty of things to mind. So here's thank you to Joylynn, Jeremiah, Ivan and Ming Wei. Today's session of sharing pushed me, to press on. Even when I almost threw in the towel.

Somewhere along the internal fight, I lost myself. It's no wonder God said it wasn't going to be easy. So even without myself, I'd find that I still have Him. And some things, just don't come the easy way.

I asked God, would you still choose, me? After all, reflecting upon the state I'm in, I'm really in no position to be called worthy. With baggages, skeletons, trash and dirt hidden in the closet, I don't think so. Or do You think otherwise?

Maybe, just maybe You'd use me through my imperfection. I'm nothing but a mere vessel that's completely, empty. It's hard for me to see that You can use an empty vessel :(

God, I wish You were here, right here. I'd request for a hug - A big, warm, long and extra long one. Then I'd ask if You could lend me Your listening ear, and I'd start ranting, and I'd probably start crying mid-way through. I would really love to fall in Your embrace. Because that's where I'd know that I'm safe, in this crazy world.

I remember that I wondered to myself awhile back, why did You choose to light the sky for me? And then, You said that You are and always will be the light in my darkness. So I'll be honest: I'm lost in a downward spiral of darkness and I need You to rescue me. Though I'm not worthy, Your grace, erases all doubt and inadequacies.

My heart's singing:

I have not much to offer You, not near what You deserve.
But still I come, because Your cross has placed in me my worth.

Oh, Christ my King of sympathy, whose wounds secure my peace.
Your grace extends to call me friend, Your mercy sets me free.

And I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy, to call upon Your name.
But because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed.

I can't explain this kind of love, I'm humbled and amazed.
That You'd come down from heavens heights, and greet me face to face.

At Your feet, I'm complete.

And at the end of the day, I realise, this world has nothing for me.